One technique I use in therapy is called "the more, the more." It explains how couples can get stuck in cycles that leave both people feeling unseen. Here's how it works: when one partner withdraws or shuts down (the more), the other partner often feels ignored and responds by getting louder or more demanding (the more). This cycle can quickly escalate, leaving both partners feeling frustrated and disconnected, without either person feeling truly heard. For example, if one person feels hurt and withdraws, the other may react by raising their voice or trying to get attention, hoping to be seen. But this usually causes the first person to pull back even more, creating a loop of disconnection. The key is recognizing this pattern and shifting how we respond. Instead of shutting down or getting louder, we can learn to express our feelings more openly. When we share our emotions vulnerably, it invites the other person to listen and connect, breaking the cycle and fostering deeper understanding. The more we open up, the more we create a space for emotional closeness and connection.
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at The Marriage and Family Clinic
Answered a year ago
One technique I use both inside my head and explicitly with the couple or family I'm working with is to distinguish between process and content. Many of the struggles couples and families get caught up in are related to content and it becomes a battle of who's right versus who's wrong. More important than the content, however, is the process. Understanding the way in which people are communicating helps you get to the root of the problem, not just deal with the symptoms of the problem. So, I'm constantly seeking to identify the precise process of communication. Once I do, I will often then point this out in session to bring awareness to the process. Our focus in therapy becomes helping them find a healthier process, rather than resolving a particular piece of content. This empowers them to resolve any issue that arises in the future in a healthier way, rather than having to rely on a therapist to resolve matters for them.
I use Virginia Satir's sculpting exercise. I take pictures of them of where they are/feel today and where they would like to be at the end of our work together. I believe that when people have their own physical/somatic experience of where they are, compared to where they are working to, this implants the commitment to the work in a deeper way. I then send the photos for them to reflect on and to remind themselves why they are doing this work. Couples appreciate this simplistic approach.
In my 30 years of physiotherapy experience, working with families or couples often involves addressing how shared habits or environments contribute to musculoskeletal issues. My approach is to educate them on these interconnected factors and create a tailored plan that promotes accountability and collaboration. For example, I might identify a shared ergonomic issue in their home setup like mismatched chairs or poor desk heights and provide guidance on how to correct it together. I also focus on communication, encouraging them to support each other in establishing healthy routines, such as stretching, exercising, or simply taking breaks from prolonged sitting. This collaborative approach not only enhances their physical health but fosters a stronger bond as they work towards a shared goal of well-being. One technique I have found particularly helpful is teaching families or couples simple partner-assisted stretches or exercises. A standout case involved a couple dealing with back and shoulder pain, largely stemming from poor posture at their respective workstations. After assessing their postural alignment and workspace setups, I taught them a series of daily partner-assisted stretches, including one where they helped each other gently extend their thoracic spines, a key area for relieving tension. Over the course of six weeks, both individuals reported significant pain reduction and improved mobility. Beyond the physical benefits, they also appreciated how these exercises became part of their daily routine, offering a moment of connection amidst their busy schedules. My years of experience in postural health and ergonomic assessment played a critical role in achieving this outcome, ensuring they received practical, sustainable solutions tailored to their lifestyle.
When working with families or couples, I focus on creating an open, non-judgmental space where everyone feels heard and valued. One technique I find particularly effective is the use of reflective listening. This technique involves actively listening to each person's concerns and then repeating or paraphrasing what they've said to ensure understanding. It helps to clarify feelings, reduce misunderstandings, and encourages empathy between all parties involved. Reflective listening not only strengthens communication but also fosters trust, making it easier to address underlying issues in a healthy, constructive way. In these settings, it's important to ensure that each individual feels like an equal participant in the conversation. By validating each person's perspective, you create a foundation of respect that is crucial for resolution and progress.