In helping someone stay grounded in authenticity I remind them that it is important they accept who they are and what they are looking for in a relationship. People pleasing is usually related to seeking approval for love, acceptance, fitting in, which is related to family of origin issues such as emotional/psychological abuse, loss, past abuse or bullying by peers. To drop "the mask" and people pleasing one needs to get psychotherapy to help them overcome what is usually past abuse or trauma. Healthy relationships are reciprocal - both parties giving and receiving in a balanced way.
Many people expect that being "more themselves" in early dating will feel liberating. Instead, what often follows is a sudden emotional drop: panic, guilt, boredom, or the urge to pull away. I call this the vulnerability hangover; the moment when the dopamine of performing, pleasing, and being chosen fades, and the nervous system is left without its familiar scaffolding. When someone has spent years masking or people-pleasing, the performance itself becomes a source of regulation. It creates momentum, clarity, and a sense of worth. So when they finally show up more honestly, slower, quieter, less impressive; the body doesn't interpret that as safety. It interprets it as risk. The mind then rushes in with a story: This isn't working. I should go back to who I was. I should be more interesting, more accommodating, more "on." But this reaction isn't a signal that authenticity failed. It's a withdrawal response from a system that was trained to survive through adaptation. One concrete technique that can be used is called the pause and orient: When the urge to perform or retreat appears, don't act on it immediately. Instead, pause and ask: "Is this about safety, or is this about self-betrayal?" Then bring attention to the body: *Name the feeling (e.g., "tight," "buzzy" "heavy") *Place a hand on your chest or belly *Take 3 slow breaths, letting the exhale be longer than the inhale (can do in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 6) Tell yourself: "This is discomfort, not danger. I don't need to solve it right now." Set a 24-hour rule before changing your behavior. Most vulnerability hangovers pass when the nervous system has time to re-regulate. Lastly, the most important reframe is this: Discomfort after authenticity is data, not a directive. It doesn't mean you did something wrong. It means you stepped outside a familiar survival pattern. Growth often feels like grief for the version of you that knew how to stay chosen by disappearing.