Can you share an example of how active listening improved communication in a marriage you counseled?

You would be surprised how often our assumptions make it into what we "hear" from our partners. The couples I work with practice reflection questions both in session and outside of therapy as part of the active listening process, which is such an effective tool for weeding out those pesky assumptions. I've witnessed week-long grudges being resolved in minutes by a partner simply stating "I heard you say (insert what other partner said) and you feel (insert the feeling other partner expressed)" - and being corrected or clarified by the other partner! Past feelings and patterns of communication are bound to make their way into how we view current or future interactions with one another. That's just what our brains like to do. But we don't have to be stuck with the miscommunications that arise from typical listening styles when active listening skills are easy to use and lead to improved interpersonal communication when practiced consistently.

Active listening is the linchpin of healthy and happy relationships! I tell my couples that we often listen to respond, become activated when our personal filter reacts to 1-2 words, and then begin responding to a message our partner never sent. With active listening, we slow down to avoid those 'parallel conversations' by respectfully repeating back what we heard, asking our partner whether we heard them correctly, and- only when that is confirmed- responding to the intended message. When I teach active listening to couples, they report fewer arguments, increased intimacy and closeness, and a deeper understanding of one another; active listening allows us to continue falling in love."

In most conflicts, each partner is so entrenched in their own stories and wounds from the past that they aren't actually understanding what the other is trying to get across. When emotions are high, we naturally mis-interpret what is being said to fit in with our pre-existing narrative of pain. In every couple I have worked with, learning to how to mirror back, validate, and empathize with what is actually being communicated allows partners to actually understand where each other is coming from. Until each partner can drop reactivity in order to mirror, validate, and empathize, the same argument happens again and again because neither party actually understands what the other is truly talking about. Most of the time, partners aren't even actually in opposition. They just haven't accurately heard the other's standpoint, so they keep saying the same things without anything landing.

The Impact of Active Listening in Marriage Counseling Certainly, active listening plays a crucial role in improving communication within marriages. In one counseling session, a couple I worked with was struggling with constant misunderstandings and escalating conflicts. I encouraged them to practice active listening techniques during their discussions. Instead of interrupting each other or preparing their response while the other spoke, they focused on truly understanding their partner's perspective. As a result, they became more attuned to each other's emotions and needs, leading to deeper empathy and connection. By actively listening and validating each other's feelings, they were able to navigate disagreements more effectively and strengthen their bond as a couple. This experience highlights the transformative power of active listening in fostering healthier communication and relationships within marriages.

I have clients frequently tell me their husbands never compliment them. I get caught up with the semantics because never is a long time. It’s very hard for anybody to live up to. "Rarely" might not seem better than "never," but I tell my clients to focus on those times and see what happens. Focusing on when your husband compliments you. is critical. Let’s say you made—or let’s say just bought and heated up—soup. And let’s assume further that your husband says, “This is pretty good soup.” That’s kind of like a compliment, right? That is your big chance to smile, let him know you are happy to hear that, and that you appreciate the compliment. See what just happened there? You gave him positive reinforcement that him giving you a compliment makes you happy, and since he feels good when he makes you happy, that’s going to inspire him to compliment you more. You might be thinking, “But that’s not the kind of compliment I want him to give me!” It’s true that’s not a very personal or special compliment. But if he sees that he can delight you when he talks about the soup, he’s going to look for more and better ways to say things that make you happy.