As a child therapist, what is one phrase you believe parents should avoid saying to their teens to foster better communication?

Ironically, my answer is in the question. Parents "should" avoid phrases that use the word "should." When we say "you should" (or "you need") to our teens, it sounds like control or unsolicited advice--both of which tend to push teens away from what's probably otherwise helpful feedback. Unless your teen has specifically asked for your advice or opinion, consider saying: "I have an idea/opinion. Can I share it with you?" Ask for their permission to weigh in on their situation. Teens often just want a space to vent, and when we respond to that with advice "You should..." it inadvertently sends a message that we think they *need* our help. Our advice might indeed be very helpful, but if you let them decide that for themselves, they are much more likely to actually listen to what you say!

"Just get over it" or "Stop being so dramatic" These phrases are incredibly damaging to a teenager who's trying to navigate the near constant changes happening in their lives due to physiological, hormonal, and psychological reasons. The teenage years is rife with sudden changes that can be an extremely uncomfortable and confusing time for a person. Dismissing a teenager's feelings this way, especially as a parent, makes them feel even more isolated and misunderstood. Your job as a parent is to ensure that you are always in your children's corner and are there to help them navigate life's intricacies. You have to validate their emotions to ensure that the trust remains and they don't learn to bury their feelings or cope in unhealthy ways. Being there for them teaches them that you are someone they can trust to always be in their corner and someone who advocates for their wellbeing.

As a child therapist, one phrase I strongly advise parents against using is "stop talking back". This implies that a teen's perspective is unimportant and invalidates their feelings. Teens often express themselves in ways that seem disrespectful. Rather than reacting defensively, stay calm and listen. Ask open-ended questions to understand their concerns, then explain your expectations and the reasoning behind them. Comptomise when you can. For example, if a teen complains that their curfew is unfair, say "I understand you feel frustrated. Let's discuss finding a balance between your needs for independence and our responsibility as parents to keep you safe." A willingness to listen and make changes within reason can prevent future teenage rebellion. Showing you take their input seriously builds trust and better communication.

When working with parents and caregivers, I hear all kinds of things that parents say to their child or teen- usually in a way that is an attempt to direct and guide. However, some phrases I hear, while well intentioned, can be detrimental to opening up communication between parent and child. One of the most common phrases is, "I better not ever hear of you doing xyz". As a parent myself I know our expected responsibility is to guide our children to making good choices for themselves. To help your teen understand boundaries and your expectations. However, this seemingly passing phrase, can impact how you communicate with each other. It can instead have the opposite effect. It is a fact that teens and adolescents will make mistakes and as parents we should want them to come to us when they screw up. We are their safe place and the last thing they want is to disappoint us. So, telling them that they essentially better not make poor choices could make it difficult for them to come to us. Instead, we may run into them hiding their mistakes- both the small ones and the big ones. The key to communication is expressing what you would like for them to do. What your expectations are with specific behaviors and situations they may encounter, but also helping them through how to handle difficult situations. In addition, express to your child that you will love them no matter what and will support them even when they mess up. They need to hear you say this. We often think it is an implied concept with those we love but children, teens, and adolescents need to hear it on a consistent basis. When they come to you for help, or if you find out about something they did, don’t blame, yell, or degrade. Get to the why, listen to their feelings and help them understand why they did what they did. From there you can problem solve with them and figure out how to prevent the same mistake in the future. Lastly, this is not throw consequences out the window. As parents, we can have boundaries and expectations, while still validating our children, giving them a voice, teaching them along the way.

As a child therapist, I believe one phrase parents should avoid is "Because I said so." This shuts down communication rather than fostering it. Teens often push back against rules and authority as they establish their independence. Rather than responding with an authoritarian statement, explain your reasoning. For example, instead of just saying "Be home by 10pm," say "Your curfew is 10pm because I want you to get enough rest for school tomorrow." This helps teens understand our perspective and makes them more willing to comply. When communication breaks down, relationships suffer. Keep the lines of dialogue open, set clear rules and expectatioms, but also express empathy for your teen's experience. Saying "I understand why you feel that way" can go a long way in strengthening your bond. The teen years often bring angst and rebellion, but with compassion and honesty, you can steer challenges together.

As parents, we often lose sight of what it's like to be a teen navigating all these life lessons with big feelings. I often hear parents say things like, "I remember going through that. You'll get over it," or, "Why are you upset/depressed/worried? You have a good life." It's important to connect with our own emotions and what we felt at that age to help us connect with our teens and have empathy. Emotions were heavy, we struggled with uncertainty, and breaking up with our high school love interest was soul crushing. When teens feel like we are authentically caring and listening, they're more likely to open up and communicate with us.

Well-meaning parents will often say things like "don't be sad," "it's ok," or "don't worry" because they want to help their children feel better or to fix things for them. Unfortunately, these statements can close the door to having a deeper conversation about what they're experiencing. These statements can also cause teens to feel invalidated in their emotions and teaches them that their parent or caregiver isn't open to having conversations about what they're experiencing. Parents and caregivers can instead acknowledge and validate their children's feelings. This lets them know that feeling and expressing their feelings is ok and safe to do and helps to foster trust, improve emotional intelligence, and improve emotional regulation skills in teens.

There are many unhelpful things parents can say to their teens, but the worst is probably "You should be more like...". This can really interfere with the adolescent's identity formation, a key aspect of Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. During the teenage years, we are in the "Identity vs. Role Confusion" stage, where we need to explore who we are. When parents compare teens to others, they can feel confused and insecure, and sometimes just "not good enough". Piaget's cognitive development theory also tells us that during our teenage years, we develop more abstract and critical thinking skills. When they hear such comparisons, they might feel underestimated or misunderstood, which can lead to either shutting down and withdrawing, or rebelling - against the parents. Instead of making comparisons, it's much more helpful for parents to encourage open dialogue about life's struggles, helping them when they need it - guiding them without pushing. By focusing on the adolescent's strengths and listening without judgment, parents can create a strong, trusting relationship. In turn, teens would be more likely to rely on their parents for guidance. Helping them to develop their own sense of sense and style, even if the process is sometimes messy, is key to helping them grow into confident, resilient adults.

Saying 'Because I said so' can discourage teens from feeling heard and respected in the conversation. It shuts down any opportunity for dialogue and leaves them feeling powerless. Teenagers are at a stage where they crave autonomy and understanding. Allowing them to express their opinions can lead to more cooperative behavior. Instead of this phrase, try explaining the reasons behind your decisions; this approach can help build trust and respect.

"I'm disappointed in you." These four words not only show your child you have judgmental expectations of them but also that they aren't good enough to match up to these. They carry this feeling of not being good enough into adulthood, and it can mar everything they do. Rather than using blaming or judgmental language, it's important to model the behaviours parents want to see in their kids. If you want them to be respectful and compassionate, start by being a respectful and compassionate parent.

In my team, we have experts in linguistics, psycholinguistics, and research, all deeply focused on understanding language acquisition. We strongly believe that the words we choose have a profound impact on our relationships. This principle applies to all types of communication, especially in parent-teen conversations. Here are two expressions that we find particularly significant and worth reconsidering in this context: "Because" In Italian, we use “perché sì,” which literally translates to “because yes.” Similar to the English "because," it’s often used when the speaker doesn’t want to explain why something has been done a certain way. In conversations, this phrase can be very damaging; it shuts down any chance for open dialogue and makes teens feel like their opinions don’t matter. Communication must be a two-way street to be effective. When parents respond with "because" or “because I said so,” they create a power dynamic that can lead to resentment. Teens crave understanding and autonomy, and by explaining the reasons behind decisions and rules, parents can help them develop critical thinking skills while showing that their thoughts are valued. "Always/Never" Absolutes like "always" and "never" should be avoided in communication. They can make teens feel unfairly judged. For example, saying “you never clean your room” ignores the times when they did clean it. Conversely, these absolutes create unrealistic expectations when used by parents. If a parent says, “I always cook even when I don’t want to,” it sets an expectation that could lead to disappointment when, inevitably, they don’t. Avoiding absolutes is crucial because they contribute to negative self-concepts and obscure communication. In our work, we stress the importance of using "I" statements that focus on our own thoughts and feelings. In parent-teen conversations, this might translate to saying "I noticed you didn't do your homework" rather than "you didn't do your homework." This approach fosters understanding, respect, and more constructive dialogue. Overall, integrating principles from psycholinguistics and language acquisition into everyday communication can greatly improve parent-teen relationships.

One phrase that parents should avoid saying to their teens is, "Because I said so." This phrase can shut down communication and make teens feel unheard or dismissed. Instead, parents should aim to explain their reasoning and engage in a two-way conversation. For example, saying, "I understand you want to do this, but here's why I'm concerned…" fosters an environment where teens feel respected and are more likely to open up and discuss their thoughts and feelings.

"You don't have anything to worry about" Teens today have more to worry about than every before, and even if caregivers intend to imply that they will be taking care of teens and supporting them, this phrase is deeply invalidating to a generation growing up online and grappling with global warming, living through a pandemic, community and systemic violence, and economic insecurity. Instead, try: "I hear you. That's a lot."

The parents should avoid making comments along the lines of "I'm doing all these for you". It may not immeidately trigger their teenager children to rebel, per se, but it likely will make their children feel indebted to the parents. When it is said, usually the parent subconsciously believes that the child should be more grateful and should be compelled to comply with the parent's request, which may or may not be related to what the parent has allegedly done for the child. Usually this is said when the parent is attempting to establish their authority and to justify their decisions. However, it will not work at all and will only drive away the child because, the fact the parent needs to resort to this line would reinforce the child's belief that there is simply no point in trying to foster communications and understandings.

The one phrase/question I would avoid with teens is: How was your day? Teens hate being asked how their day was. This is one of the ways that I see parents being completely shut out. Instead of asking "how was your day?" try finding a way to connect to your teen that are more genuine. Either by asking a specific question like "what is one great thing that happened today?" It can feel like a lot of pressure to answer such a broad question as "how was your day?" How can a teen answer this question with one word and really express how their day went. It can feel like a lot of pressure to sum up the experience of being a teen into a digestible response. The teen also might still be processing the day and is not ready to do the emotional labor of explaining it to a parent. The best way to connect with your teen is to be guided by their needs and to ask directly what they want from you. Are they seeking authentic connection around their emotions or are they seeking space and independence? Being a teen is complicated and if you as a parent can find a way to understand your teen by listening to them and honoring their needs, you can build a strong sense of connection and trust. This is a time of great change. Be aware that your relationship with your teen will change too and this is not something to mourn, it is something to celebrate. The other phrase I would avoid is "things were so much easier when you were little." This is such a disheartening phrase. Instead of comparing, be present with the current version of your teen.