I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 35+ years of clinical experience, specializing in affair recovery and discernment counseling for couples on the brink of divorce. I'm one of the few therapists in Louisiana certified in Discernment Counseling by the Doherty Relationship Institute, and I've worked with hundreds of couples navigating infidelity through methods like Emotionally Focused Therapy and the Gottman Method. **"Once a cheater, always a cheater?"** In my experience, this is far too simplistic. I've seen couples where the unfaithful partner did the deep individual work--addressing unmet needs, attachment wounds, and poor coping mechanisms--and never cheated again. But I've also seen serial cheaters who refuse to examine their patterns. The real predictor isn't the affair itself, but whether someone takes radical ownership of *why* they cheated and commits to long-term change. Without that self-examination and typically professional help, the underlying issues remain. **Female vs. male infidelity:** Women are more likely to cheat when they feel emotionally disconnected or lonely in their marriage. In my practice, I see women describing their affairs as "finally feeling seen" or "he actually listened to me." Men tend to compartmentalize affairs more easily, while women often develop deeper emotional bonds with affair partners, which can make reconciliation more complex. Female clients also carry significantly more shame about infidelity due to cultural and religious expectations. **That 97% statistic sounds wildly inflated and suspect.** I haven't seen any legitimate research supporting that claim. What I *do* see is that women over 40 who've spent decades in emotionally neglectful marriages sometimes rationalize affairs as "getting their needs met elsewhere" rather than addressing the core issues. It's not justification--it's desperation and poor coping. From a faith-based perspective that guides my work, infidelity creates deep wounds regardless of the circumstances that led there, and healing requires both partners doing honest work on themselves and the relationship. **Bio link:** https://paxrenewalcenter.com/about/
While I'm not a therapist, leading teams and working closely with families and pet parents over the years has given me meaningful insight into human relationships, emotional disconnect, and trust dynamics. Here are my perspectives framed through that lens: 1. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is it accurate? In my experience, that statement is too absolute. Chea-ting is often a symptom of unmet needs, emotional distance, or unresolved conflict, not an inherent personality trait. People who take accountability and address the root cause - through communication, counseling, or personal growth — can absolutely break the pattern. Repeated cheating tends to occur when there's denial, lack of remorse, or no real effort to heal the underlying issue. 2. How female infidelity differs beyond the physical/emotional split From what I've observed in personal and professional circles, women often seek connection, understanding, and validation when they step outside a relationship. But another key difference is risk tolerance — women typically hide infidelity more discreetly due to fear of judgment, social stigma, or destabilizing the family unit. There's also a higher tendency toward "exit cheating," using the affair as a catalyst to leave a relationship that already feels over internally. 3. The "97% of women over 40 justify infidelity" claim Without a verifiable source, that statistic is almost certainly misleading or taken out of context. What does tend to happen with women over 40 is a shift in priorities - many begin valuing personal fulfillment, respect, and emotional honesty more than obligation or appearances. If someone in that age group says infidelity feels "justified," it's often tied to long-term emotional neglect, one-sided sacrifice, or feeling invisible in the relationship - not casual disloyalty. Bio Link: https://mypawland.com/about-us/ Skandashree Bali CEO & Co-Founder, Pawland
In my experience interviewing therapists and analyzing relationship case studies, the phrase 'Once a cheater, always a cheater' is more myth than truth. While some individuals do repeat patterns of infidelity, many others cheat in response to specific circumstances—such as unmet emotional needs, lack of communication, or unresolved personal struggles. With accountability, therapy, and genuine effort, people can and do rebuild trust. When it comes to female infidelity, research suggests it often differs from men's in motivation. While men are statistically more likely to cite opportunity or physical desire, women frequently describe infidelity as a response to emotional dissatisfaction, lack of intimacy, or feeling undervalued in their primary relationship. This doesn't mean women don't engage in physical affairs, but the underlying drivers often reflect relational dynamics rather than impulse alone. As for the claim that 97% of women over 40 think infidelity is justified—there is no credible peer-reviewed study supporting that figure. In fact, most large-scale surveys (such as those published in Psychology Today and the General Social Survey) show that the majority of women, across age groups, disapprove of infidelity. What may be true is that women over 40, particularly those in long-term marriages, sometimes express greater empathy for why infidelity happens—often tied to unmet needs or stagnant relationships. That nuance can be misinterpreted as "justification." The takeaway: infidelity is complex, context-driven, and deeply personal. Simplistic generalizations rarely capture the reality of why it happens or how couples move forward.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater?" Not a law of nature. In our case files, repeat cheating happens when the same ingredients persist (secrecy, entitlement, easy opportunity). We also see durable turnarounds when there's real accountability: full transparency on devices/locations, clear boundaries, counseling, and consequences. Past behavior predicts risk — it doesn't dictate fate. How female infidelity often differs (beyond "emotional vs. physical"): Planning window: We see longer build-ups via DMs, school/parent circles, or hobby groups—fewer truly impulsive encounters. Operational security: Muted threads, hidden albums, innocuous contact names, "apps inside folders inside folders." Cover stories: "Self-care," errands, classes, or kid-related activities more than sudden business trips. Financial traces: Smaller, recurring digital payments (rideshares, subs, cash apps) instead of big one-off charges. These are patterns, not rules — we've documented every exception imaginable. About that "97% of women over 40 think infidelity is justified" headline: We haven't found a credible study to support it. Reputable surveys show most adults — women and men — don't approve of cheating. When people do rationalize it in interviews, we hear unmet needs, conflict avoidance, or "it's harmless if no one finds out"—that's justification, not consensus. Our practical takeaway: If you're assessing a relationship, track patterns, not single moments: new secrecy around devices, schedule shifts, unexplained micro-spend. If you're repairing one, pair transparency with a written plan (boundaries, access, counseling) and review progress weekly. Feelings spark change; systems sustain it—that's how we see it play out in the field.