Seeking married men who have shifted from doing less to doing more at home If you’re a husband in a heterosexual marriage, age 30–60, I’d like to speak with you for a brief phone interview about your role at home. I’m especially interested in talking with men who previously did relatively little household labor, mental load, or childcare but later took on a larger share - whether after conversations with their spouse or after realizing they wanted a fairer division of responsibilities or a more engaged role as a father.

Hello, I'm Spencer, 42, married with two kids (11 and 9). I'm an entrepreneur and also full-time employee, and my wife, Jennifer, also works full time as a marketing executive. I'm a good fit for your story because I'm someone who didn't start out doing an equal share at home. Early in our marriage, especially after our first child was born, my wife and I had a moment that changed everything. She looked at me and said she didn't want to be my mom. It hit me hard, but it was honest, and it opened my eyes to how much of the mental load she was carrying that I didn't even notice. Over time, through a lot of conversations (and some trial and error!), I shifted from "helping" to actually owning a real share of childcare, housework, meal planning, and the invisible planning that goes into running a family. It wasn't one big dramatic decision; it was a series of small wake-ups, learning to see what needed to be done, and wanting to show up as a better partner and father. Today our division of responsibilities looks very different than it did in the early years. Happy to talk more for your interview and share what changed for me, what actually worked for us, and where I still get things wrong sometimes. Thanks for considering me, Spencer

I'm 41 and have been married 10 years with a 6 year old daughter. When I first started dating my spouse we would eat out a lot and spend nights drinking and partying a lot. Then we moved in together and moved to a new city (memphis). Through time I would start cooking 4 days a week and she would always clean the dishes. Then we had a baby and my attention and focus was always on my wife and daughter. I was constantly trying to read up on how to do things better and be a better teacher and father. I would cook meals for the family and grind up fruits and veggies for my daughter. Through the years her meals changed and now shes helping me make dinner every night. It's difficult balancing work and family and chores. I proactively try to take on chores and if i see anything needing to be done i just do it right away. But i have noticed women in general often delegate tasks to men, and men often just notice something needs to be done and proactively do it. -Albert Richer , Founder WhatAreTheBest.com

Growing up my family had a fairly traditional division of labor. My Mom was a home maker and looked after the five of us, cooked, cleaned, took us to all the school functions and play dates. My Dad worked away from home most of the week. Since I grew up in this kind of environment, when I got married, I assumed this was just how life was supposed to operate. When we had kids, my wife got wore down from trying to manage everything around the house and with the kids and with a career. She spoke with me and asked for help and I could see the desperation in her eyes and realized how much I had put on her. I started helping out more with laundry, cleaning, getting kids to events, trying to date her more to help rebuild the relationship. I wouldn't say that I am perfect by any means, but I am working on improving my habits like cleaning up after dinner, cooking when she is looking for assistance, spending more quality time with the kids including movies, and trying to get out of my own stubborn way of being selfish with my time.

Hi — I'd be open to a brief phone interview. I'm a husband and father of three, and over the past few years I've deliberately shifted from doing "the essentials" at home to taking on a much larger share of the day-to-day load. It wasn't that I wasn't involved before — I've always been present with my kids — but being a physician with multiple ventures meant my wife was left with the three children and the mental load far too often. At some point I realized she didn't just need help, she needed relief, even symbolic relief. So I started stepping in more intentionally: vacuuming without being asked, taking all three kids out on my own so she could have real alone time, backing her up in moments that would have otherwise fallen on her by default. Surprisingly, it's been grounding for me. In the OR, I have to be calm no matter what's happening around me. Bringing that discipline into parenting — guiding instead of reacting, only raising my voice when safety is at stake — has helped the whole house. And the shift wasn't about becoming the one who cleans everything; it was about not leaning so heavily on her and treating the home as something we manage together rather than something she carries alone. If that fits the piece, I'm happy to talk. Pouyan Golshani

I'm in. In the early days, my wife was doing the heavy lifting at home while I poured everything into building Oakwell. Once the business found its footing, I started to realize just how lopsided things had become--and how disconnected I felt from our daily life. There wasn't a single turning point, more like a steady buildup of realizations: seeing how much she managed behind the scenes, or the way my daughter reacted when I was truly present with her. These days, I share most of the parenting responsibilities and cook dinner three nights a week. Weirdly enough, meal planning has become something I look forward to--it's one of the few 'projects' I can start and finish in a single evening. I'd be glad to hop on a quick call to talk more.

I worked with a couple in their mid-30s in my practice who fit this pattern exactly. He'd coasted for years on the home front. Not out of malice, just habit. His wife carried the bulk of the household tasks, the calendar, the reminders, the emotional tracking of the family. He thought he was "helping" whenever he stepped in, but he was never actually responsible for anything end-to-end. The shift happened during counselling after their second child arrived. He could see the exhaustion on her face, and for the first time understood that the mental load wasn't about who took out the bins, it was about who had to remember every moving piece of their life. What moved him wasn't a fight, it was the quiet admission from his wife that she no longer felt like a partner. She felt like project management wrapped around childcare. He asked for something concrete, so we mapped out responsibilities he would fully own. Morning routines, school prep, medical appointments, all logistics for weekend activities. He stopped "waiting to be asked" and treated the home like he treated work tasks — anticipate, plan, act. Within a few months the atmosphere in the house changed. He reported feeling more connected to his kids and far less like he was on the outside looking in. She said she finally felt able to breathe. If you're looking to speak with husbands who made that shift from passive helper to genuine co-owner of the household load, this is the profile. Happy to provide further detail if helpful.

I'd be happy to talk--I definitely fit the description and would like to share my story. In the early days of building my company, my focus was completely on work: long hours, constant travel, and team management. My wife ended up doing nearly everything at home. After some honest talks, I began to see how unbalanced that was. I started making deliberate changes--setting aside family time, helping with the morning routine, handling school drop-offs, and paying attention to what needed to be done instead of waiting to be told. The same approach I use with my clients--being proactive rather than reactive--turned out to apply at home too. Embracing that mindset has made a huge difference for both of us. Happy to connect whenever it's convenient.

In the early years of my marriage, I contributed only a small fraction of the necessary work at home. My wife managed the majority of household tasks and childcare, in addition to the often-overlooked mental load of planning, organizing, and anticipating needs. Although I used work as a justification for my limited involvement, I gradually recognized the resulting imbalance as both unjust and detrimental. A candid conversation with my wife, in which she expressed the exhaustion of managing everything alone, marked a turning point. I began by taking on small, regular responsibilities such as cooking dinner twice a week, organizing school drop-offs, and planning groceries. Over time, I assumed additional duties, including managing bedtimes, appointments, and the mental load. I was surprised by the extent to which these changes improved our relationship. My wife felt supported, and I developed a closer bond with our children. The transformation was not just about fairness; it was about reimagining partnership. Domestic labour isn't gendered; it's collaborative work that enables the family to function. By stepping in, I demonstrated to my kids that fathers share responsibilities. For men hesitant to make this change, I recommend starting with small, consistent actions. Be proactive; don't wait to be told or asked. Anticipate needs and take initiative. The benefits include not only a more equitable division of labour but also stronger family relationships and a more successful marriage.

When I think about the question of husbands shifting from doing less to doing more at home, I can say that I've lived through that transition myself. Early in my marriage, I was so focused on growing my business that I didn't realize how much of the household and mental load my wife was carrying. The wake-up call came when she told me she felt overwhelmed and invisible in the day-to-day responsibilities. Hearing that pushed me to reassess what partnership actually meant. Over time, I shifted from occasionally helping to fully taking ownership of specific tasks like cooking, cleaning routines, errands, and managing parts of our childcare schedule. What helped me make the change was treating the home the same way I approach systems in my work—clear responsibilities, consistent follow-through, and open communication. I learned that taking on a larger share wasn't just about balancing chores; it created a calmer home, a stronger relationship, and a deeper connection with my child. My advice to men facing this same turning point is simple: don't wait for burnout or resentment to surface. Have an honest conversation, choose tasks you can take full responsibility for, and stick with them. The shift isn't about perfection—it's about showing up every day in a way that reflects the partner and father you want to be.