Subject: Therapist on Parental Favoritism Here's my information for reference: Alexandria Williams, LPC LCDC Licensed Professional Counselor & Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor | Founder of Theraya | Creator of the Reflexetm Method Website: https://www.therya.co/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/therya.co/ Bio: https://www.therya.co/bio I'm Alexandria Williams, LPC, LCDC, founder of Therya and creator of the Refelexetm Method. I specialize in helping teens and adults heal from emotional neglect, anxiety, and generational family patterns through nervous system awareness and emotional processing. Why do parents play favorites? Favoritism often reflects a parent's unresolved emotions rather than a child's behavior. Parents tend to bond with children who mirror their strengths and distance from those who reflect their discomfort and unmet needs. How does it impact the less-favored child? Feeling unchosen can lead to perfectionism, people-pleasing, or emotional shutdown. Many internalize the message that love must be earned, creating lifelong confusion about worth and belonging. Many carry invisible grief, mourning the lack of nurturing and attention. Many feel fundamentally rejected, causing to look for love in all of the wrong places. Most parents do not recognize this as harm; they interpret it as "normal family dynamics," unaware of how deeply it shapes self-esteem and attachment. What should the least-favored child do if favoritism continues? Awareness and boundaries are essential. Healing begins when they stop trying to earn love and start validating their own experience. Sometimes peace comes not from reconciliation, but from release. When is going no contact necessary? Going no contact may be necessary when continued exposure causes emotional or physical harm, or when repeated boundary setting is met with hostility or manipulation. It is not about punishment but preservation. Healing often begins when distance creates space for self-trust and peace.
Consultant Paediatrician and EMDR Therapist at Happy Kids Clinic
Answered 5 months ago
I see patterns repeatedly in my practice. First is the "relativeness problem"- when the first child goes from 100% of parental attention to 50% with a second child, then 33% with a third. That steep drop feels devastating, especially for the oldest, and parents often don't realize how dramatic the shift is. Chronic illness in one sibling (asthma is incredibly common) pulls more parental attention and bonding, leaving the healthy child feeling invisible. Then there's parentification- the older child becomes a "little parent" to younger siblings. This stems from generational trauma in the parents and robs that child of their childhood while making them the "less fun" one. Sadly, parents almost never recognize the harm. They come to me because "the child isn't behaving properly," not because they see their own role. I have observed: attachment issues, lashing out behavior, bullying others to vent anger, severe anxiety, and rock-bottom self-worth. These kids are screaming for help through behavior, but no one's listening. I treat adults with depression, paranoid personality, OCD-like behaviors (desperately trying to control something), impulsive decision-making, and relationship difficulties- all tracing back to childhood favoritism. It shapes brain development and attachment patterns for life. Individual therapy and family psychotherapy MUST happen TOGETHER. You can't work with the child alone- that risks retraumatizing them when they return to unhealthy family dynamics. Parents need psychoeducation about what they're doing and why it's harmful. Once family dynamics start shifting and the child is stabilized, trauma therapy like EMDR becomes powerful for reprocessing memories, emotions, and conditioned thought patterns. It kids reframe the narrative. By age 12, children can advocate for themselves and communicate their need for dignity and fair treatment. They need support to find their voice. Finally, if parents refuse therapy or won't implement recommendations, and the adult child can afford- financially and emotionally- then sometimes distance is healthier than continued retraumatization. Trauma therapy can heal this damage in children and adults. If parents won't change and you're independent, protecting your mental health by going low or no contact isn't giving up- it's survival. I always explore this carefully with clients. It's a significant decision with ripple effects, and I want them making it from clarity, not pain.
Parental favoritism often stems from unspoken dynamics beyond emotional connection or bias. In my years as a physician and host of Ask Dr. Nandi, I've seen many families where favoritism arises from personality compatibility, birth order, or a child's health challenges. For instance, a parent might favor a compliant or high-achieving child because it reflects their own values or eases stress at home. Sometimes, parents unconsciously align with a child who reminds them of themselves—or, conversely, distance themselves from one who mirrors traits they struggle to accept. The impact on the less favored child can be profound. They often internalize feelings of inadequacy, develop anxiety, or grow up seeking external validation in unhealthy ways. I've had patients who, even in adulthood, carried deep resentment or self-doubt rooted in childhood favoritism. Parents rarely realize the long-term damage their actions cause; many rationalize it as "just how things are." If favoritism continues, the best course for the less favored child is to set emotional boundaries and seek therapy to rebuild self-worth. Communication—honest, calm, and specific—can sometimes help parents recognize their behavior. But if the dynamic remains toxic and emotionally draining, going no contact may become necessary for mental health. I've counseled adults who made that difficult decision, and while painful, it often opened the door to healing and self-acceptance. Professional bio: https://parthanandi.com/about/