Talking to teenagers isn't always easy. Parents often find themselves met with eye rolls, silence, or frustration when trying to connect. Many teens easily feel misunderstood or dismissed, which can create distance in the parent-teen relationship. However, one powerful communication tool--validation--can help bridge the gap. Validation isn't agreeing. It's communicating that someone's feelings make sense and are valid. Here are some strategies for connecting with your teen through validation: 1- Pay attention and be fully present. This means put down what you're doing, eliminate distractions, give eye contact, don't rush, and listen closely the way you would with a close friend. 2- Reflect back to show you understand, even if you don't agree. For example, if your teen says something like "All my friends hate me," you may know this isn't necessarily true but instead of saying "What do you mean? That's not true" you can make a validating statement such as "It sounds like you're feeling really alone." 3- Respond to the feelings, not the facts. Sometimes teens will make statements that seem over the top, unrealistic, or very exaggerated. Instead of disputing or correcting them, try to identify the feeling beneath the statement they are making and respond to that. For example, if your teen says something like "Nothing ever works out for me, no matter what I do" you can respond to the feeling beneath the statement with something like, "It sounds like you feel helpless." This will go over much better than a corrective statement such as "What do you mean? You just got a good grade in your English class." 4- Don't judge or correct. It's common for parents to downplay their teen's emotions, but phrases like "That's not a big deal" or "You'll get over it" can feel dismissive. Even fixing or minimizing statements such as "This won't matter as much in a few years" or "I'm sure it wasn't actually that bad" can sound to a teen like you're not interested in understanding them and you don't take them seriously. Instead, acknowledge that their emotions are real and understandable. Practicing validation doesn't mean you agree with everything your teen says or does--it means you acknowledge their emotions as real and valid. And the more your teen feels understood and understands that you can handle their big emotions without needing to "fix" them, the more they'll start to share with you.
The teen years are incredibly challenging, for parents and sometimes for the teens themselves! Communication can be very strained during these years and communication challenges often lead teens and their parents to seek out support in therapy. As a parent consultant, I also work with parents indirectly in their own sessions on how to improve communication. The best tip I have is to work on connecting with your teen on the topics they care most about and to listen, without offering opinions or lectures. This is a time where curious questions are going to be incredibly useful. Things like: "Oh how interesting, what do you think about that?" "What do you think will happen?" It is helpful to reduce questions that are not curious but are leading to outcomes you want and to ask genuinely, exploratory questions to help your teen share. The more you respond without lecturing and telling them they are wrong, the better and the more open they will be with you! It's also helpful to remember that it takes time to shift communication patterns and to be patient!