The other challenge that came surprisingly in the adoption process was the emotional whiplash post-placement. It is a time of celebration, relief and immense gratitude, but might also be grief, fear and an unspoken sense of responsibility that is even more weighty than imagined. Nobody trained us to oil up to what a complicated mixture it would be. Paper work was tiresome, but the actual job started when the routine collided with the trauma history. Loss was the source of many defiant behaviors that appeared to be small. Such transformation of attitude altered everything. We maneuvered around and reduced speed. We did not have a hurry to make milestones, but to be attached. We maintained schedules that were foreseeable, restricted extraneous engagements during the initial months and obtained counseling early enough as opposed to a crisis situation. Sunny Glen frequently mentions that stability is a remedy to the children who have been disrupted and that fact formed our home. The recommendation to potential adoptive parents focuses on non-logistical preparation. Get to know of trauma informed parenting. Pre-placement development of support network. Learn to be patient and understand that bonding does not happen instantly. Adoption is a happy time, but it demands emotional flexibility and modesty in a manner that few people can look forward to.
The instant bond myth was our greatest challenge. I thought it would be a movie moment the minute we laid eyes on each other, but in reality it was awkward and separate. We then felt guilty for not feeling immense love right away. We worked around this by taking the pressure off of ourselves. We aimed more for consistency than intensity. I would suggest just getting out of the timeline in your head. Attachment is a gradual bridge, not an on-off switch. Be graceful with yourself in the transition. True connection flourishes in those quiet, routine moments, not just the big ones.
A lot of emotional "attachment gap" caught me off guard. Although I expected set backs in logistics, slow bonding made me feel out of place. I thought we would be immediately bonded, but actually daily groundwork was needed in order to trust each other. To cope with this, I called support groups that would speak to other people who were in the same boat. How this collective, often quietly, taught me that love was more something constructed from consistency than one found in charm. What I would advise you is to create a support system first. Having a safe place to share said swirling feelings makes the transition easier, and keeps you from exploring its emotional topography alone.
Getting through the "paper pregnancy" became a surprising, emotional drain. There was this mass of paperwork and intrusive background checks. I found comfort in joining the local support groups who understood this type of fatigue. Their stories gave me some much needed perspective. Prospective parents should make sure they're taking care of their mental health as well. It's imperative to discover a tribe that is ahead on this journey. Patience is your friend with the long gaps of silence. Get your village in place before baby comes so you've got a good map to follow once it does.
Many parents are astounded to find themselves navigating the emotional minefield of "grief and loss." Even in happy moves, a child may be very sad for his or her birth family or first home. Every joyous and sad aspect of duality demands not only great patience but a wide open heart. I would also suggest focusing your education trauma-informed adoption and finding community with other parents that are adoptive. Acknowledging how your child feels before you fix the problem helps ensure they feel understood in the long run. And don't forget to be patient with yourself; learning to trust is a marathon, not a sprint.
The "post-adoption blues" is a common roller coaster ride that many new parents can't get off of fast enough. That's because the emotional crash comes after all of the adrenaline from placement goes away. So many are guilty they are not happy every moment. For one, the parent might feel a little worn out, sad or weird with their child in tow. They should be aware that this roller coaster of emotions is part and parcel of any person's return to school. Get some professional help or get into a group specifically designed for working through those emotions. Would-be parents need to understand that bonding takes time. Grace for yourself helps the relationship to develop organically. Creating a family through adoption is really a marathon of the heart.