What's one unique challenge you've faced with blended families in therapy and how did you address it?

The most common challenge for blended families to navigate is deciding how much the step-parent should get involved with the disciplining of their step-children. The answer to this varies with the situation, but the factor that remains is that it takes far longer to connect with step-children than people think it should. I had been working with children and teens for many years when I acquired step-children, and I thought that I would have them eating out of my hand, so to speak, in 6 months! I was deluded. It often takes up to four years to really blend together, depending on the character and history of trauma that the kids bring to the new marriage. So, with this said, I would proceed with some caution in the area of disciplining you step-children and let the biological parent take this role as often as possible.

A common issue I see within blended families is ambiguity about roles and boundaries. For example, a step parent may not want to do any parenting, but find themselves drifting into a parenting role because they want to help their partner, or they want to enforce certain rules in their home. The step-kids typically won't respond well to that, especially if that wasn't an explicit plan, and the step-parent may feel like they're being thrust into a role they never wanted. Families also get into trouble when it comes to exes. If you share children with an ex, then you will need to have a co-parenting relationship, which is often fraught. The new partner may feel threatened if they perceive the ex as having undue influence in their home or in their relationship. The ex may feel uncomfortable with the role the new partner is playing in their childrens' lives. The solution to all of these problems is to create absolute clarity within the family system about roles and boundaries. Will step-parents do any parenting? What are the rules in the home, and whose job is it to enforce the rules? What is communication with ex partners going to look like? How are you going to handle pickups and drop offs? What about holidays? When you have agreed on a clear plan, everyone knows what to expect. This helps the kids adjust, and it helps the adults feel secure in their roles. ---- I hope that's enough to go on! Let me know if you have questions. Sincerely, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby