It is vital to be upfront and transparent with your partner about your sexual and emotional experiences with them. If you are pretending to be satisfied with your sex life and you are not, you are lying to your partner! Period! So often, we do not want to unearth our very real reactions and the impact of our partner’s dynamic (or lack thereof) because we want to protect their feelings, which only ends up unintentionally reinforcing their behaviors. The most clear example I can give is the phenomenon of the “faked orgasm.” What’s really happening here, is that we are reinforcing our partner’s lack of skill and lack of knowledge of how to please us by sending them signals that they are, in fact, doing a great job. This, in turn, makes their difficulty to please us not actually their fault, but our own for not speaking up about our dissatisfaction and not teaching them how to do better. It doesn’t need to be hard to talk about sexual needs, and good communication strategies (hello, “DEARMAN” technique from DBT!) paired with sexual education can help lessen the burden. It can be helpful to offer alternatives to your partner, or even suggestions in the moment via your voice or by physically guiding them! Another good rule of thumb is to approach the conversation about sex outside of the bedroom and outside of the sexual experience, when emotions aren’t running high.
Sex and Relationship Therapist at Center for Modern Relationships
Answered 2 years ago
Whether you're chatting about sexual likes and dislikes, sharing a desire to try something new, or vulnerably expressing concerns, it is critical to both confirm and communicate your understanding of your partner's experience right back to them. Mirror back what you heard your partner say as best as you can, and ask "Did I get that right?". This shows that you are actively listening and that you care about your partner's perspective. Especially with an intimidating (and sometimes dysregulating) topic like sex, explicitly confirming that you understand your partner can also combat the speaker's automatic assumptions about not being heard or understood and reassure them. Until you can summarize your partner's point sufficiently, you can then ask, "Is there anything else about this you'd like to share?" to ensure you have the best understanding possible to successfully integrate this information into your sex lives. This also communicates curiosity and invites more vulnerability around a topic your partner may feel guarded around.